I did not have relations: Tiger Woods vs. Bill Clinton

Tiger Woods has quickly become the current most notorious cheater in the country. But it wasn't long ago since another very influential figure got busted for infidelity (think Presidents). So who's the better cheater: Bill or Tiger? Let's think about how each adulterer reacted to getting caught. Woods kept quiet for a day or two until he decided what he was going to say, and then came out with dull and calculated apologies: a classic, conventional move for an athlete. Tiger's reputation was one of the cleanest in sports - not only was he one of the most dominant athletes in history and the first billion dollar athlete, he always seemed to say the right thing. So when he fell from grace, he fell hard; his portrayal in the media changed quicker than Michael Jackson's after he died. Clinton decided to blatantly lie to the entire nation, which is usually frowned on for people of his profession. Clinton's cheating was bigger in the sense that he was the leader of the free world, but it probably wasn't as surprising considering some of the questionable things he had said before (Like when he said he tried marijuana but didn't inhale - yeah, and he didn't have sexual relations with that woman, either). As for punishments, Clinton seems to have taken the bigger blow, becoming only the second President to be impeached while Tiger spent a few weeks in a fake rehab center. Tiger spent his whole career giving cookie-cutter, impersonal interviews. It's ironic that his debacle was so personal and humiliating - with the images of his wife smashing in his wrecked car's windows were on every news, sports, or celebrity gossip channel for about a week. Obviously, Clinton's cheating was humiliating, but we didn't get any stories of Bill passed out in a crashed motorcade while Hillary smashed the windows in with JFK's golf clubs (but wouldn't that have been awesome? How awkward would it be for the Secret Service working that shift?) As far as public perception goes, Tiger is currently one of the most unpopular figures in pop culture, but Bill keeps popping up on campaign trails and PSAs for relief programs. People seem to have forgiven the Clint'. However, it may just be a matter of time before the whole Tiger thing blows over and he does his best Michael Vick and plays the redeemed athlete.

What we can judge now is the uniqueness of the act itself. It turns out that Tiger was sleeping with women wherever he went around the country. It's definitely newsworthy, but it's not something that we've never seen before with athletes/celebrities. Clinton, however, committed his adultery in the Oval Office. That's either the dumbest idea ever or the ballsiest (sorry for the awkward word choice). Regardless, that's a story that doesn't come around that often. I don't even know how a President can sneak around to have an affair. Aren't they like always being watched? You'd have to be a ninja or something. The fact that he's regained public favor after this recklessness is appalling, especially because I can't remember when it changed or how (JFK did the same thing and is now revered. Obama, take note). Tiger slept around and got attacked by his wife on national TV (Fail). Bill Clinton defiled the Oval Office, lied to the American public, and is now somehow in the nation's good graces (FTW). He gets points for originality and sticking the landing. Clinton beats Tiger like he beat Bob Dole.

PS: These are two of the most famous recent cheaters, but there have been scores of cheaters worthy of being in this discussion (JFK, Hester Prynne, Lancelot, King David, Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Henry VIII, Brad Pitt). This debate feels a bit like the BCS: only giving two parties the chance to win when there are so many other worthy candidates. To properly address this question, I may need to build up a larger list and make a playoff bracket for history's best philanderer. Maybe for March Madness. Any requests?