House of Pain: Thomas Paine vs. T-Pain

It's Independence Day and you all know what that means: it's the anniversary of that Will Smith movie. Also, it's the United States' birthday (as well as my Uncle Sam's), so it is only right that this post is dedicated to our nation's great history. I was going to make it "United States vs." but let's be honest, the U.S. wins everything (except the Korean War, Vietnam War, the Men's Basketball gold medal in '04, and every World Cup, but I digress). Instead, let's see how far we've come as a nation and compare one of our own founding fathers to one of this generation's elite. Thomas Paine was an author, inventor, journalist, and a critical participant in both the American and French Revolutions. He is known to many (okay, just me) as "T-Paine." Faheem Najm is a singer/rapper and record producer better known as today's T-Pain. But though two share the name, only one can emerge as this blog's victor.

Thomas Paine was a rebel throughout his life. He came from England to the Colonies only a couple years before the Revolution, yet he was one of the strongest advocates of American independence. He wrote arguably the most popular pamphlet of the time, Common Sense, which emphatically beleaguered King George and insisted upon America's immediate independence from an abusive motherland. He supported the French Revolution against many critics. Later in life, he condemned slavery decades before its abolition. He also criticized the contradictions found in organized religion, namely Christianity. These criticisms lost him most of his public support - so much so that when he died in 1809, only six people attended his funeral.

Paine inspired countless Americans with his honest, straightforward rhetoric. T-Pain reaches his fans through his words as well via music. So, let's compare their most famous words. Thomas Paine once wrote, "When men yield up the privilege of thinking, the last shadow of liberty quits the horizon." T-Pain once said "I'm N luv wit a stripper." In The Crisis, Paine wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls." In "Bartender", T-Pain sang the lyrics, "She made us drinks to drink; we drunk 'em, got drunk." Thomas Paine said "An army of principles can penetrate where an army of soldiers cannot." T-Pain said "I'm on a boat, motherf***er."

Though Paine dabbled in the affairs of the affluent and powerful, his writing was intentionally plain and simple. As he said, "It is my design to make those who can scarcely read understand." Judging by the lyrical content of songs like "I'm F***ed Up," T-Pain is apparently aiming for the same demographic. So, who reaches their audience more effectively?

Common Sense was sold just under half a million copies. T-Pain has sold plenty more albums than this, and that is despite Internet pirating. But though T-Pain has a wider audience than Thomas Paine did, Paine's words have had a much greater impact. He stirred the citizens of this continent, both rich and poor, towards the seizure of independence from tyranny. The Crisis was read to George Washington's troops at the Battle of Trenton before crossing the Delaware. How different would history be if, while crossing the Delaware, Washington had instead sung to his troops, "I'm on a boat!" They'd have said, "No sh*t, Washington." That would have taken the phrase "common sense" a little too literally.
Self-explanitory, I suppose

As an author and revolutionary, Thomas Paine was as good as any. As a singer/rapper, T-Pain falls into the middle of the pack. Even compared to the rest of modern hip-hop, Pain's music is surprisingly unintelligent (No, I wasn't that impressed with "Take Your Shirt Off"). So, you would expect his natural vocal talents to make up for his lyrical deficiency. Instead, T-Pain's only real claim to fame is constantly using auto-tune or, in other words, cheating. Pain has demanded credit for inspiring countless other artists to cheat, err, use auto-tune. Fine, T-Pain, I give you credit. I give Jose Canseco credit for pioneering steroid use in baseball, too. Not only were Thomas Paine's words more profound, but he penned his works without even using spell-check.

It's a sad thing that a life like Paine's, of such courage and intelligence, ended will such ill-favor, as he was hardly mourned at his own funeral. As Paine wrote, "What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything it's value." For a man whose life ended among such contempt, consider this the righteous redemption of Thomas Paine, because this well-deserved victory over the other T-Pain will give Thomas the dear recognition he finally deserves. Say what you want about T-Pain, but a Thomas Paine victory here is only common sense.

PS: Happy Fourth, and welcome to Earth...