Abandon all hope, ye who read this blog: Dante's Peak vs. Dante's Inferno

Ever since Dante's Peak was introduced to the world so long ago (1997), the comparison to Dante's Inferno has been inevitable. One tells the story of the devastating effect of a volcano's eruption on a small town; the other tells of a man's journey through the depths of Hell.

Dante's Peak has been praised for its scientific accuracy. Okay, so it's not exactly accurate, but compared to most disaster movies (remember Tommy Lee Jones in Volcano?), this movie actually made an attempt to portray how volcanoes actually work. This beats the accuracy of Dante's Inferno, which describes the continents all on the Northern Hemisphere, while Hell cuts through the center of the earth, where you can climb out Satan's legs and end up in the Southern Hemisphere, which is where Purgatory is. Clearly, Dante's Peak has the edge here. But honestly, no one watches disaster movies to see good science, nor do you read the Divine Comedy to get a better understanding of geography and astronomy.

One thing you have to consider is star-power. Dante's Peak gets its star-power from Pierce Brosnan playing the lead role. Pierce is easily recognizable as he has played James Bond five different times, as well as starring in The Thomas Crown Affair. And who could forget his performance in Mamma Mia? I mean, I've heard he was in that, too. Also, Pierce's likeness was used in GoldenEye, one of the coolest N64 games ever. So there's that.

Dante's Inferno has a bit of star-power of its own. First of all, Dante Alighieri puts himself in the place of the main character. While he doesn't come out and say it's him, naming your main character after yourself isn't exactly subtle. But for a story about a literal journey through Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven, subtlety was probably not Alighieri's intention. Beyond that, there's his guide, Virgil, legendary Roman poet who wrote the Aeneid. Dante and Virgil travel through each of the rings of Hell, encountering all kinds of star-studded cameos. On their journey, they encounter Homer, author of both the Iliad and the Odyssey. Then they meet Greek mathematician, Euclid. They run into a few other familiar faces, such as Socrates, Aristotle, Julius Caesar (notice there's no Mike Ilitch), Saladin, Dido, Helen of Troy, Paris, Achilles, and Agamemnon. Dante also encounters creatures from Greek and Roman mythology like the Minos, the Furies, Medusa, the Minotaur, Harpies, and Centaurs. Dante also runs into Lancelot and Guinevere, Alexander the Great, Odysseus, Ulysses, Diomedes, the prophet Muhammad, and a handful of Popes. There may or may not have been a Pontius Pilate sighting. (There's also a medieval mathematician named Michael Scot, who would undoubtedly be played by Steve Carrell if this was going to be made into a movie in the next couple years.) I almost forgot, Brutus and Cassius are there too. And Judas. Dante also sees the devil himself, and not only does he see him, but he climbs his legs out of Hell. These are a few of the recognizable names that show up in the Inferno (did I mention this is only the first part of a three part story?). Even though Pierce Brosnan was in Robinson Crusoe, I think Dante's Inferno wins the battle of star-power.

While we're on the subject, let's think about the implications of all these famous figures in the Inferno. Let's not forget that all these characters' appearances insinuates that they are in Hell. Who has the balls to do that? The same kind of people who write themselves as the main characters, that's who. Not only does Dante's Peak not have the star-power of the Inferno, they missed the opportunity to mess with some famous people's personas. Dante put Popes in Hell - that's quite a statement. If Dante's Peak had done the equivalent, they could have had more contemporary authors, philosophers, and world leaders getting rocked by a volcano. Can you imagine if they had put Stephen Hawking trying to escape the eruption, or having Bill Clinton killed by a rush of lava? (He'd probably end up in the same ring as Lancelot and Guinevere). What if they put Pope John Paul in there? It could have been real controversial. Instead, they played it safe, and because of that, I have to give props to Alighieri because his epic poem beats what imdb calls "not a bad disaster movie." Dante's Inferno wins.

PS: I mentioned Centaurs appearing in Dante's Inferno. I just thought I'd point out that Pierce Brosnan played a Centaur in that new Percy Jackson movie. Just something to chew on..