Gentle Giants: Hagrid vs. Chewbacca

These two gentle giants serve as similar characters in their own epic sagas. Both are, physically, much bigger than the other characters surrounding them; both are tough, yet surprisingly gentle; often both of them serve as comic relief.

As far as their likeability goes, this is like choosing between cake and ice cream; you can’t go wrong either way (unless you’re lactose intolerant, but if that is the case, pick a different metaphor with two things you like). Rubeus Hagrid is twice as big as an average man and three times as wide. Add that to his rugged, shaggy beard and his moleskin overcoat, he looks like he could have been raised by wolves, then grown up and wrestled them into submission with his bare hands. Yet, he is one of the kindest and gentlest characters in Harry Potter and, as we see in his debut in the first book, is not hesitant to tear up when he gets emotional. Chewie is a Wookiee who stands over seven feet tall, covered in brown, shaggy fur and freely expresses his emotions (happy, sad, angry, etc.) through unabashed howls and growls. Like a dog, he causes fear in his enemies, yet follows his friends with unwavering loyalty and devotion.
It's not wise to upset a Wookiee, especially if you don't have earplugs.

Each of these characters is as good a friend as you can find. Hagrid has a soft spot for Harry, Ron, and Hermione, with whom he often shares thoughts, advice, and his cooking (which isn’t the greatest, but his heart is in the right place). He would do anything for them, just as they would return the favor. And though many are a bit skeptical of the bumbling giant, he’s got friends in high places. Dumbledore declares that he would trust Hagrid with his life, and as we know from Hagrid’s encounter with the Dursleys (“Never insult Albus Dumbledore in front of me”), he holds a fair amount of respect for the Headmaster as well. Hagrid’s loyalty is undeniable and having the utmost respect from Dumbledore is about as high praise as you can get. But Chewie’s not much different in this regard. Like Hagrid, Chewbacca is a loyal companion of a trio of heroes – Han, Luke, and Leia. When his best friend Han is about to be frozen in carbonite, Chewie flips a sh*t and starts chucking Stormtroopers left and right (not to mention choking Lando for his betrayal). And sure, Hagrid’s tight with Dumbledore, who’s like the Yoda of Hogwarts. But as we see in Episode III, Chewie rolled with Yoda himself back in the day, so much so that Yoda used to ride on Chewie’s shoulders back in the Clone Wars. Good relations with the Wookiees Yoda had, indeed. So they’re pretty evenly matched here.
Nice, Harry, but send me an owl when that thing does 0.5 past lightspeed

So, as such similar characters, I have to ask: who would win in a fight? Hagrid, though big and scary, is actually not the most formidable foe. Having been expelled from Hogwarts, he was banned from performing magic. Instead of a wand, he carries around a pink umbrella, like a poor-man’s Penguin. Though he squeezes some magic out of that, he’s not a fully qualified wizard and never will be. Chewie, however, was a high ranking soldier on Kashyyyk (yep, three y’s) and fought in the most pivotal battles in two wars. Hagrid probably has a slight height and weight advantage on Chewie, but if it ever came down to hand-to-hand combat between the two, well I don’t think Hagrid would have any hands because Wookiees are known to pull people’s arms out of their sockets. And that’s just when they lose at chess. I’ll say this for Hagrid, his friendliness with dangerous magical creatures (Buckbeak, Aragog, Fluffy, the Centaurs, etc.) could give him an edge in battle. But a three-headed dog or a big spider is probably not too intimidating when you’ve got pinpoint aim with a Wookiee crossbow. Plus, Chewie flies the Millennium Falcon, which flies higher and faster than Buckbeak (Have you ever seen a hippogriff make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs? I didn't think so). And you want to talk about dangerous creatures as companions? Chewie’s an honorary member of a tribe of Ewoks. Yeah, yeah, they look all cute and cuddly. But that's not what any Trooper from the 501st would tell you. Ewoks are vicious, man, I’m telling you. If they don’t like you, they will stab you, stone you, cook you and eat you. Just ask Han Solo. Not only is Chewie a better fighter than Hagrid, but his affiliation with Yoda and the Ewoks guarantees him a victory anyways, thanks to their Hall of Ballin’ status. As loveable as they both are, my money’s on Chewie in a fight, so I give him the victory here. But as they say, it’s not wise to upset a Wookiee. So even if I didn’t think Chewie was the winner, I’d pick him anyways because I like my arms where they are – in their sockets.

PS: Did you know George Lucas’ inspiration for Chewbacca was his own dog? His dog used to ride shotgun with him in his car and Lucas thought of him as his copilot, hence Han Solo’s hairy copilot. That dog’s name, by the way, was Indiana. Can you guess what other famous Lucas character got inspiration from this dog?

I'm Going to Miami: Will Smith vs. LeBron James

"I'm going to Miami" are the words famously spoken by the Fresh Prince, Will Smith. Now, they are linked with the self-proclaimed King, LeBron James. So, today's post is dedicated to these two members of South Beach-bound royalty: the Prince vs. the King.

In 1776, America's founding fathers declared that they no longer recognize the sovereignty of England's King, mainly because the concept makes no real sense. The right to rule a nation of people is given to a monarch upon birth. In other words, a King has to do absolutely nothing to deserve the title. If that is the case, then LeBron James gained his title just as earnestly as any other monarch in history: by doing nothing. I witnessed ESPN force-feeding the nation the King's propaganda since he was a junior in high school, broadcasting high school games on national television. By the time the guy was drafted, they had already given him an endorsement deal worth $90 million or so, not to mention the nicknames "King" and "Chosen One."

Just as a king grows up groomed for power, so was James. Born in Akron, Ohio's own son seemed destined to do great things in Cleveland when the Cavaliers drafted him. For a city that hasn't won a major sports championship since 1948, the notion of a local-bred prodigy starting a dynasty on the banks of Lake Erie seemed to good to be true. And as Cleveland just witnessed last night, it was.
...because I couldn't find clips from the first movie

The signs were there since back in '07. When the Indians and Yankees matched up in the ALDS, Cleveland's favorite son showed up at Jacob's Field to show his support for...the Yankees? Wait a second, Kings don't do that. Not only was he employed by the Cavs, adored by all of Cleveland, but he grew up in Northeast Ohio! And his excuse was, "I'm a Yankees fan." But that doesn't answer the question, "Why?" Yes, the King of Cleveland claims that his favorite teams growing up were the New York Yankees, Chicago Bulls, and Dallas Cowboys (these teams coincidentally won a total of 12 championships in the '90s, when James was growing up. So much for hometown loyalty). Turns out LeBron is a bandwagon fan. And just like any bandwagon fan, they're happy when things are good, but will be the first to desert for greener pastures when they get the chance.

Though he gained his power like any other king, James did nothing to deserve keeping it. Kings aren't supposed to abandon their own lands. Can you imagine King Leonidas showing up to the Olympics rocking a Persian Empire hat? "What, I like the Persians," he'd say. "I'm a huge Xerxes fan." No, that wouldn't fly. What if Odysseus said, "You know what, my home's filled with suitors and I really don't see a winning future in Ithaka. I think I'll sign with Calypso. Besides, her place is on the beach." Kings don't do that. Leonidas gave his life for his land, and Odysseus spent twenty years fighting the strength of Poseidon to return to his throne at home. King James abandoned his home because, despite how good he is, he wasn't quite good enough to win in the playoffs.
This. Is. Sparta! Until my contract expires, then I'm out of here...

Yes, this post is more about bashing LeBron than it is about Will Smith. And yes, Smith is just a Prince. But what are the very first words of the Fresh Prince's Creed? "In West Philadelphia, born and raised..." Though Smith may live in Miami now, he's always been proud of his hometown, Philly. As he states in his song, Miami is his "second home," not the place he runs to when things get a little rough (keyword: a little).

A king isn't supposed to abandon his kingdom to sign elsewhere. Kingship is a lifetime commitment. But LeBron James has spent a lifetime denying his Midwestern roots, so why should we expect him to commit the rest of his career to his home? James' behavior is not that of a king, but more like the Governor of South Carolina, running and hiding when the going gets tough. It's time for him to leave his royal title behind, making the Fresh Prince the winner of this match-up. Ohio waited for seven years for a championship, but instead only witnessed disappointment, selfishness, and abandonment. This is an easy victory for Will Smith.

PS: Tom Izzo, you absolutely made the right decision. When given the choice for more money and glory, you chose to stay at home where you belong.

Lord of the Championship Rings: Scottie Pippen vs. Pippin Took

They're two of the best sidekicks ever, and they both happen to have the same name. So, how can I not make this comparison? In the league where amazing happens, it's pretty much universally accepted that Michael Jordan was the most amazing. It's also universally accepted that Jordan wouldn't have been as amazing without his right-hand man, Scottie Pippen. Pippen was the Robin to Jordan's Batman, the Watson to his Sherlock, or the Jazz to his Fresh Prince. On the other hand, there's Peregrin "Pippin" Took, the cheerful and sometimes careless Hobbit, who served as a loyal companion to Frodo's mission and a valuable member of the Fellowship of the Ring.

To properly compare sidekicks, you have to compare the leader whom they devote their services to. In this case, it's Jordan against Frodo. Like I said, MJ is pretty much as good as it gets in terms of basketball. While you can make arguments for people like Russell and Wilt, no one's going to think you foolish for proclaiming Jordan to be the greatest. In terms of Middle-earth, though, you can hardly make the same claims about Frodo. While Jordan made big shot after big shot, Frodo tended to fall down or faint every time something stressful happened. Although to be fair, Frodo's situations were usually much more intimidating (and life-threatening) than MJ's. But in the end, Frodo did accomplish the most difficult task of all: while Jordan was racking up rings, Frodo destroyed the One that he had. While Jordan was more dominant in his field, Frodo's quest had much grander signficance as the destruction of the ring meant the end of corruption and an "evil that does not sleep."
Call him Alicia Keys because he keeps on fallin'

But this is not about Jordan and Frodo, it's about Pippen vs. Pippin. And Scottie P was Jordan's go-to guy for all six championships. Outside of these two, the Bulls didn't really have the kind of players that made you think six championships in eight years. I mean, have you ever played with the Bulls on NBA Hangtime (which features no Jordan)? Steve Kerr, Toni Kukoc, and Luc Longley are starters on the game! With that many white people, they look more like a scene out of Middle-earth than a championship basketball team. It goes to show the value of Pippen, and validates his seven All-Star appearances and Hall of Fame induction. But Pippin Took was no slouch, either. Sure, he liked to get drunk and got the Fellowship into trouble half the time, he proved to be quite a worthy companion.
Hello, my name is Peregrin Took, and I'm an alco-hobbit.

We may never know if Jordan could have won six rings without Scottie, but we know that Scottie couldn't win any without Jordan. For MJ's two year hiatus (when he played baseball/journeyed to Looney Toon Land), the Pippen led Bulls failed to reach the Finals both years, not to mention a run-in with Phil Jackson that got him seated on the bench for the final play in the Eastern Conference semifinals. Pippin Took, however, did some of his best work in Frodo's absence. He escaped from an army of Orcs, talked to a few trees (how many people can say that without being psycho?), and he even killed some Orcs and a troll by the end of the trilogy.
Jordan journeys to Looney Toon Land during his two year retirement

Both Pippin and Pippen play the sidekick role perfectly well, so the difference to me is how they performed on their own. Scottie failed to win it all in Chicago and kind of fizzled out with the Trail Blazers, while Pippin Took blazed his own trail and did his best work on his own. In the end, destroying Frodo's one ring was bigger than winning six championship rings, so this victory goes to Peregrin Took, the best Pippin of all.

PS: Now, correct me if I'm wrong because this may be purely speculation, but from what I hear, they're taking the hobbits to Isengard.

House of Pain: Thomas Paine vs. T-Pain

It's Independence Day and you all know what that means: it's the anniversary of that Will Smith movie. Also, it's the United States' birthday (as well as my Uncle Sam's), so it is only right that this post is dedicated to our nation's great history. I was going to make it "United States vs." but let's be honest, the U.S. wins everything (except the Korean War, Vietnam War, the Men's Basketball gold medal in '04, and every World Cup, but I digress). Instead, let's see how far we've come as a nation and compare one of our own founding fathers to one of this generation's elite. Thomas Paine was an author, inventor, journalist, and a critical participant in both the American and French Revolutions. He is known to many (okay, just me) as "T-Paine." Faheem Najm is a singer/rapper and record producer better known as today's T-Pain. But though two share the name, only one can emerge as this blog's victor.

Thomas Paine was a rebel throughout his life. He came from England to the Colonies only a couple years before the Revolution, yet he was one of the strongest advocates of American independence. He wrote arguably the most popular pamphlet of the time, Common Sense, which emphatically beleaguered King George and insisted upon America's immediate independence from an abusive motherland. He supported the French Revolution against many critics. Later in life, he condemned slavery decades before its abolition. He also criticized the contradictions found in organized religion, namely Christianity. These criticisms lost him most of his public support - so much so that when he died in 1809, only six people attended his funeral.

Paine inspired countless Americans with his honest, straightforward rhetoric. T-Pain reaches his fans through his words as well via music. So, let's compare their most famous words. Thomas Paine once wrote, "When men yield up the privilege of thinking, the last shadow of liberty quits the horizon." T-Pain once said "I'm N luv wit a stripper." In The Crisis, Paine wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls." In "Bartender", T-Pain sang the lyrics, "She made us drinks to drink; we drunk 'em, got drunk." Thomas Paine said "An army of principles can penetrate where an army of soldiers cannot." T-Pain said "I'm on a boat, motherf***er."

Though Paine dabbled in the affairs of the affluent and powerful, his writing was intentionally plain and simple. As he said, "It is my design to make those who can scarcely read understand." Judging by the lyrical content of songs like "I'm F***ed Up," T-Pain is apparently aiming for the same demographic. So, who reaches their audience more effectively?

Common Sense was sold just under half a million copies. T-Pain has sold plenty more albums than this, and that is despite Internet pirating. But though T-Pain has a wider audience than Thomas Paine did, Paine's words have had a much greater impact. He stirred the citizens of this continent, both rich and poor, towards the seizure of independence from tyranny. The Crisis was read to George Washington's troops at the Battle of Trenton before crossing the Delaware. How different would history be if, while crossing the Delaware, Washington had instead sung to his troops, "I'm on a boat!" They'd have said, "No sh*t, Washington." That would have taken the phrase "common sense" a little too literally.
Self-explanitory, I suppose

As an author and revolutionary, Thomas Paine was as good as any. As a singer/rapper, T-Pain falls into the middle of the pack. Even compared to the rest of modern hip-hop, Pain's music is surprisingly unintelligent (No, I wasn't that impressed with "Take Your Shirt Off"). So, you would expect his natural vocal talents to make up for his lyrical deficiency. Instead, T-Pain's only real claim to fame is constantly using auto-tune or, in other words, cheating. Pain has demanded credit for inspiring countless other artists to cheat, err, use auto-tune. Fine, T-Pain, I give you credit. I give Jose Canseco credit for pioneering steroid use in baseball, too. Not only were Thomas Paine's words more profound, but he penned his works without even using spell-check.

It's a sad thing that a life like Paine's, of such courage and intelligence, ended will such ill-favor, as he was hardly mourned at his own funeral. As Paine wrote, "What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything it's value." For a man whose life ended among such contempt, consider this the righteous redemption of Thomas Paine, because this well-deserved victory over the other T-Pain will give Thomas the dear recognition he finally deserves. Say what you want about T-Pain, but a Thomas Paine victory here is only common sense.

PS: Happy Fourth, and welcome to Earth...

Feel the Rhythm, Feel the Rhyme! Doug E. Fresh vs. Doug E. Doug

Sanka, ya dead?

In the 80s, the hip-hop community was introduced to Doug E. Fresh a.k.a. The Human Beat Box. With the coming of the 90s, the world discovered that pop culture was only big enough for one "Doug E," because as Fresh's popularity diminished, the torch was passed to actor and comedian Doug E. Doug. But now that we are a decade away from either one's popularity, the time has come to assess just who is the greatest of the Doug Es.

Not only was Doug E. Fresh an MC, but he was one of the earliest talents in rap to shape the Game. He was "Fresh" before the Fresh Prince. The Show is one of the best hip-hop songs of all time (yes, Taylor, Imma let you finish). Back in the day, Doug E. Fresh rolled with Slick Rick, whose childhood accident forced him to wear what would become a trademark eye patch. I give serious props to anyone with enough swag to rock pirate fashion (i.e. eye patches, hooks, peg legs, and puffy shirts), and the fact that Fresh was down with the patch means that I am down with the Fresh. Plus, his uncanny ability to beat box was innovative, not to mention awesome, making Fresh kind of like Sound Effects Guy from Police Academy.
No, it's not Inspector Gadget

Doug E. Doug reigned in the 90s, with roles in a couple below average Disney movies (That Darn Cat, Operation Dumbo Drop). He also shared the screen with comedic pioneer and legend Bill Cosby on Cosby. But as cool as working with the Coz probably was, saying "I was on Cosby" and not The Cosby Show is kind of like saying "I played with Michael Jordan - on the Wizards."
His Airness was a little low on fuel

But despite the lackluster nature of some Doug E. Doug roles, the dread-locked funnyman holds the trump card with his role as the lovable Sanka from Cool Runnings, undoubtedly the best movie ever made about Jamaican bobsledding. Like Rick Moranis said in Little Giants, "even if you lose 99 times out of 100, that still leaves one time." And in Doug E. Doug's case, it only took one moment of greatness to secure his spot as the greatest Doug E that the world has ever known. In the movie, the four man bobsled team fits the same mold as The Great Foursomes: The Beatles and Turtles. That being the case, Doug E. Doug's Sanka is basically Michelangelo with dreads. Need I say more?

Doug E. Fresh may have had a more enduring career, but in the end, which rhythms and rhymes do you remember more? Fresh's The Show or the immortal verses of the Jamaican bobsled team? The Jamaicans have it.
You know you have a crazy group when John Candy's the straight man

PS: Cool Runnings meets 300

Return of the Blog

For reasons based mostly on boredom, I have deemed that it is time to resurrect this blog. I do it for the fans, and thanks to Google Analytics, I know I have gotten a total of 3 visits in the past month (I think those were me). But it's time to change that. Look for a new post in the next couple of days and, consequently, a new hope....